Decisions.

I've hit that wall that I'm fucked wall.

I've known for a long time that I'm making this choice to live this life

and that it has its' instantaneous consequences lurking in the background. That one 5 minute interval that changes it all.

And so here I am in that time warp wondering if it's worth it to hold onto it all, or should I just give up?

There is no hidden second option this time, no crazy rescue plan.

It's either in or out.

I've been trying to live directly, with some sort of direct consequence... And thus far I have out run everything.

When I left you said, "the house has calmed down, the air is not crackling. The psychic energy has released." After a while I ran into you in a bar and you said, eyes down "They turned your room into a living room. They painted over everything."

Everyone talks to me like the places I've been are graveyards.

And I'm trying to learn how to be unobtrusive and am traveling by foot backwards in time, checking on the status of the bridges, to see which have fallen and which have burned. To see where it is possible to get from here to there.

cell phone memos pt. 1

pushed  away on the outside always

the outside of my own doing the way out gone

he said leap and I interpreted it as go away but maybe it was

just wait like, take your time like, find out what this is first.

Maybe I'm so far away from real life from this idea

that I wanted from the people that love me that any excuse

for pain for that shot of reality for anything really

I will go flying now and I look around with the wind in my ears 

sweet body suspended in disbelief or time wondering

how long 'til I hit the ground?

shuddering.

Driving.

Put on PJ Harvey and sang along silently for 3 songs while my head was out the window, thinking that I'll never crash because I'm driving this car with my mind and my mind creates all of this around me, this whole world and I move like a shock wave, like rings around me like fingers reaching out and because all of this is me I am able to subconsciously anticipate What Happens Next. I will always be a beat ahead. And anyway, even if that weren't true and I did get into an accident it doesn't matter because I can fly. And I watched myself fly up over the blinders on the concrete barrier of the highway, I watched myself lift over that and then my mind went blank. I saw tail lights and heard silence. What?
Wondering if my ears had shut off. iPod says "PJ Harvey - triangle - double bar - triangle - double bar" and then back to triangle. Sound comes suddenly, exactly synched with track in brain. Exactly.