The Eulogy, Part II

You could look into the world
but there were holes.
Always those strange flashes of no origin-
that sourceless boring brightness.
To blink would had been weak,
to squeeze your eyes closed and
seek out a personal darkness
would have made you an outlaw.
So, you could never see everything.
But you did try.
This was never a world you could trust,
or even believe in.
Everything you thought you knew
just banged around your skull
while everything else lay beyond your reach.
Your memory has omissions.
Secretly you were scared that it had been your choice,
your way to lie and also maintain an innocence.
Standing under a scalding shower
you often wondered what the facts really were.
When you spoke, you were never entirely sure
of what you were saying or even
if we could hear you.
You drank because there had never been
anything before that.
Of course by then you were dying,
but not nearly fast enough.