The Eulogy, Part I

Cycles of hope and regret do not apply here.
You were always lonely,but
never desperate enough to trust your own judgement.
You were violently in love,
violently out of love.
You could never escape that sinking feeling
as time passed and you could not.
You watched the mirror, waiting for something new.
The comfort and familiarity came to you
flickering in the glow of the florescent globes
which framed you.
You would not look away,
you were all you had.
You ached for someone who would
litter you with scraps of paper
saved with the hope of importance.
You wanted that spinning clatter,
the beautiful noise of
careless clutter.
But still you decided to run.
Every day you ran.
You just shouldered your way through the interactions,
you soldiered on.
Your tongue was never welcoming,
only inviting.
You punished yourself
for your own shortcomings through them.
At some point you should have laid down arms.
But you strayed,
you walked away.
If reincarnation was real it wouldn't matter.
You keep making the same mistakes,
or you wouldn't be here.

The Eulogy, Part II

You could look into the world
but there were holes.
Always those strange flashes of no origin-
that sourceless boring brightness.
To blink would had been weak,
to squeeze your eyes closed and
seek out a personal darkness
would have made you an outlaw.
So, you could never see everything.
But you did try.
This was never a world you could trust,
or even believe in.
Everything you thought you knew
just banged around your skull
while everything else lay beyond your reach.
Your memory has omissions.
Secretly you were scared that it had been your choice,
your way to lie and also maintain an innocence.
Standing under a scalding shower
you often wondered what the facts really were.
When you spoke, you were never entirely sure
of what you were saying or even
if we could hear you.
You drank because there had never been
anything before that.
Of course by then you were dying,
but not nearly fast enough.

The Euology, Part III

You were always so selfish.
You never stopped.
You were found - limp and listless,
at tired copy of what you once were,
an empty shell with no sense or no care to.
Your eyes rolled slowly, side to side
reading whatever message had been
scrawled across your mind.
You imagined a hand on your shoulder,
but only because you had to.
You acted like you wanted to live
but you just didn't want to die alone.
Your body stiffened over time.
Your back arched and your fingers curled.
Your eyes became milky
and stopped their desperate sliding.
Your mouth moved like a fish, gasping
but not breathing.
Something inside of you had changed.
Some parts of you were sick and tired.
Were walking out.
Your head tilted back howling, silently
even after your heart beat abandoned you.
Even after your blood had slowed
to just a memory of movement.
You had pleaded.
You were asking one last time
for that second chance.
But like always,
it never came.